I'm  not  Megilf  at 


fl\  oKii;i\/iir  .IRISH  S 


A  I/I 


<>    GI-CiTTS. 


CHIOA  OO ! 

T.   S.    DEN  ISON. 


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Price,  FIFTEEN  CTS.  EACH,  Postpaid. 

This  scries  includes  only  plays  of  the  holiest  order  of  merit.     They  r.ro  the  very 
•  best  before  the  public.     These  plays  aru  rich  ir^yaricty  of  incident,  and   spirited  iii 
action.     The  dramas  combine  tender  pathos,  delightful  humor,  -..ml   spark; 
The  farces  are  brimful  of  the  rarest  fun. 

_This  series  is  very  carefully  revised  by  an  experienced  editor.     Each  pl:r. 
Abridged.     They  are  unequated  in  fuilness   of  sta«-e   directions,   typogTap; 
print.     Every  play  on  this  list  is  a  success.     This  series  includes  only   pla\ 
to  tlie  present  day. 

ALL  THAT  GLITTERS  18  XOT  GOLD.— A  comic  drama 

acts.     Time,  two  hours,     bix  males,  three  females. 
CASTE.— A   comedy   in    five  acts.     Time,   two  hours  and  thirty  minutes.      Five 

males,  three  females. 
EAST  LYXNE.— A  drama  in  five  acts.     Time,  two  hours  and    thirty  minutes. 

Eigfht  males,  seven  females. 
FRUITS    OF  THE  WIXE    CUP.-A    temperance    drama   in    thr 

Time  filty  minutes.     Six  males,  four  females. 

HOME. — A  comedy  in  f.ve  acts.     Time,  two  hours.     Four  males  three  females. 
ICI    ON    PARLE    FRANCAI8.— A  farce.      Time  forty   minute 

males,  three  lemales. 
IX  THE   \VROXQ  HOUSE,  (two  T.  J.'s)   A  farce.     Time   thirty   n 

t1  our  males,  two  females. 
I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT  ALL,— A  farce.  Time,  twenty-five  minutes.   Three 

males,  two  females. 

JOHX  SMITH.— A  farce.     Time  thirty-five  min.     Five  males,  three  fc: 
KISS  IX  THE  DARK.— A  sketch.  "Time  thirtv  minutes.     Three  males,  two 

females. 
LADY  OF  LYOXS.— A  drama  in  five  acts.     Time,  two  hours  am',  h.rtv-live 

minutes.    Twelve  males,  four  fema. 
LARKIXS'     LOVE    BETTERS.— A  farce.    Time,  forty  mi 

males,  two  females. 
LOUVA,    THE    PAUPER.— A   drama    in  five    acts.     Time,  one  hour  and 

forty-five  minutes.     Nine  males,  four  females. 
LIMERICK    BOY".    (THE)-  A    iarce.     Time,    forty-live    minute.-,.        Five 

males,  two  females. 
]KY  WIFE'S  RELATIONS.— Comedietta.  Time,    one  hour.     Four    males, 

six  females. 

MY  TURX  XEXT-— A  farce.  Time  fortv-five  min.    Four  males,  three  females. 
MY    NEIGHBOR'S    WIFE.-A    farce.     Time  forty-five   minutes.      Three 

males,  three  females. 
NOT  »U<;H  A  FOOL  AS  HE  LOOK.8.— A  farcical  drama  in thi 

>Time,  two  hours.     Five  male- ,  four  females.  C 

PERSECUTED  DUTCHMAX.  (THE)  —A   farce.     Time, 

six  males,  three  females. 
O,UIET    FAMILY,    (A)— A  farce.     Time,   forty-live   minutes.      Four   males, 

four  f< 

RE<»ULAIl  FIX.  (A)— A  farce.     Time,  fort v  min.  Six  males,   four  females. 
KOI  <>H    DIAMOND.    (THE)    (Country    (Cousin)— A    farce.     Tim- 
minutes.     Four  males,  three  fei 
SOI'DIElt   OF  FORTUXE.  (A"p— A   comedy   drama   in   five  acts.     Time, 

two  Itours  and  twenty  minutes.     Ki^ht  males,  three  fe::. 
SPARKIjIX«  C'UP,   (THE>-A    temperance   play    in    live  acts.     Time,  one 

hour  and  fortv-five  minutes.     Twelve  males,  four  lei!!".. 
TEX  XIGHTS  IX  A  BAR  ROOM.— A  temperance  drama 

Time,  two  hours.     Twelve,  males,  four  females. 
TOO I>LES,  (THE)—  A  drama  in  two  acts.     Time,  o.ie  h-ur   and  fifteen   min. 

Six  males,  two  females.  t? 

TURX  HIM  OUT.— A  farce.  Time,  forty-five  min.  Three  units,  two  ;, 
THE    TWO    PUDDIFOOTS.— A    iarce.      Tii..e,   forty  min 

males,  three  females. 
UXDERTII1-:   L.AI  RELS.— A   drama    in   live    ae;s.     Time,   one    1,,. 

forty-five  minutes.     Five  males,  four  females.  f 

T.  S.  DENISON,  Publisher,  Chicago. 


UCSB  LIBRARY 


I'M  NOT  MES1LF  AT  /LL 


AN  ORIGINAL  IRISH  STEW. 


BY  C.  A.  MALTBY. 

Author  of  "Borrowed  Plumes,"  etc. 


AS  FIRST  PERFORMED  AT  DRURY  LANE  THEATRE,  LONDON, 

UNDER  THE  MANAGEMENT  OF  MR.   F.  B.  CHATTERTON, 

ON  MONDAY,  DECEMBER  27,  1869. 


TO   WHICH  IS   ADDED 


A  Description  of  the   Costumes — Entrances  and  Exits — and  the 
whole  of  the  Stage  Business. 


CHICAGO: 


T..   S. 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 

Drury  Lane  Theater, 
London,  Dec.  27,  1869. 

Mr.  Benjamin  Pootles  (Old  Man) Mr.  II.  BARRETT. 

Captain  Dehk  (Walking  Gentleman) Mr.  F.  CHARLES. 

Phelim  O'Rourke  (alias  Major  O'Hogan— Irish.) Mr.  J.  REYNOLDS. 

Laura  (Pootles1  Daughter— Walking  Lady) Miss  EDITH  STUART. 

Mary  (Servant— Chambermaid.) Miss  SEYMOUR. 


COSTUMES. 

MB.  POOTLES.— Dressing-gown,  hand  and  leg  bound  up,  as  if   suffering 
from  the  gout. 

CAPTAIN  DEBIT.— Undress  English  cavalry  uniform  (neat),  long  moustache. 
PHELIM.— 1st  dress :  Irish  peasant.    Sd  dress:  Highland  costume. 


PROPERTIES. 

Flowers  in  vase  on  table,  up  R.  C.,  decanter  and  glasses,  newspaper,  valise, 
bundle  of  clothes,  forming  a  Highland  dress,  sword,  two  letters, 
hand-bell  on  table,  bundle  in  haudktrcbielou  stick  for  PIIBLIM. 


TIME  OF  PLAYING- TWENTY- FIVE  MINUTES. 


STAGE  DIRECTIONS. 

li.  means  Eight  of  Stage,  facing  the  audience;  L.  Left;  C.  Center:  R.  C. 
Right  of  Center;  L.  C.  Left  of  Center.  D.  F.  Door  in  the  Flat,  or  Scene 
running  aero  8  the  back  of  the  Stage;  0.  D.  F.  Center  Door  in  the  Flat;  B. 
D.  F.  Right  Door  in  the  Flat;  L.  D.  F.  Left  Door  in  the  Flat;  R.  Z>,  Right 
Door;  L.  D.  Left  Door';  1  E.  First  Entrance;  2  E.  Second  Entrance;  U.  E. 
Upper  Entrance;  1,2  or 3  G.  First, Second  or  Third  Groove. 


SYNOPSIS. 

This  is  indeed  a  veritable  "  Irish  Stew."  POOTLES  is  seen  seated  at  table, 
in  his  breakfast  room,  suffering  from  the  gout;  LAURA,  his  daughter,  is  at- 
tending to  the  flowers>t  the  back  of  the  room.  Their  conversation  is  inttr- 
rupted  by  the  entrance  of  CAPTAIN  DEBIT,  an  admirer  of  LAUBA's/cigar  in 
lips.  POOTLES  has  just  been  apprised  by  letter  that  a  Major  O'Hogan,  who 
has  been  quite  struck  by  LAURA'S  charms,  is  about  to  pay  him  a  visit. 
POOTLES  drops  the  letter,  as  they  all  exit.  PHELIM  O'ROURKE  enters,  look- 
ing for  a  situation.  He  picks  up  the  letter,  and  determines  to  personate  the 
expected  Major,  and  seeing  some  bundles,  opens  one,  with  the  Major's  uni- 
form therein,  and  proceeds  to  array  himself  as  a  "  milliogtary"  man.  All 
sorts  of  queer  mystifications  occur;  PUELIM  passing  through  the  ordeal 
•with  decided  eclat—  thanks  to  his  impudence,  ready  wit,  rich  brogue,  and 
good  humor.  He  winds  up  the  fun  by  captivating  LAURA'S  maid,  and 
making  a  characteristic  "  apache11  to  the  audience. 


I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT    ALL." 


SCENE. — Breakfast-room  in  Mr.  Footles'  villa,  in  Sd  grooves. 

Discovered  Footles   in  chair  at  table,  R,  icith  an  attack  of  gout. 
Lauras  arranging  flowers  at  back. 

Footles.  Now,  Laura,  be  good  enough  to  leave  those  flowers 
and  frailties  alone,  and  attend  to  me.  Where's  the  paper? 

Laura.    Oh !  bother  the  papers. 

Poo.    How  dare  you  bother  the  papers? 

Laura.     I  can't  bear  them,  they  are  all  alike. 

Poo.  One  would  think  you  had  been  brought  up  on  the 
plains  of  Carriboo.  It  is  the  duty  of  every  man  who  has  twenty 
shillings  a  week  to  support  two  papers  at  least;  and  when  he  has 
thirty  shillings  to  have  them  bound.  Come,  miss,  don't  miss  the 
leading  articles,  and  mind  your  stops. 

Laura.  (Takes  paper,  szts  It  of  table.)  I'd  like  it  all  stops. 
(Heads.)  "Wanted,  a  healthy  charwoman " 

Poo.  What's  that  to  do  with  her  Majesty's  ministers?  I  should 
like  to  know. 

Laura.    "  Glass  cases  for  sale." 

Poo.     Pooh !  pooh  ! 

Laura.    "  In  all  cases  of  rheumatism  and  gout." 

Poo.  Do  you  want  to  see  me  in  a  fit,  miss?  Will  you  look  at 
the  leading  article? 

Laura.    I  thought  hospitals  might  interest  you. 

Poo.  Don't  be  impertinent.  Give  me  the  paper.  (Takes 
paper.)  Glass  cases  indeed !  Girls  of  the  present  age  are  like 
exotics,  they  never  ought  to  be  taken  out  of  glass  cases  excepting; 
to  be  bedded  out.  (Captain  Debit  appears  at  back  from  R, 
stnoking.) 

Laura.  (Aside.)  Here's  the  captain,  that's  a  comfort.  (Aloud.) 
Entrez  Captain  Debit,  by  all  means.  (Debit  throws  cigar  away.) 

Poo.  Yes,  for  goodness'  sake,  come  in  (Aside.)  However  much 
I  dislike  a  man,  their  society  is  worth  a  dozen  women  for  long 
together.  (Aloud.)  Be  good  enough,  Debit,  to  run  your  eye  over 
the  paper,  and  see  if  there's  anything  fresh. 

Laura.  (Mischievously.)  Yes,  there's  a  paragraph  here,  papa, 
would  like  you  to  read. 

Deb.  With  pleasure.  (Reads.)  "  To  all  old  gentlemen  afflicted! 
with  gout." 

Poo.    Do  you  want  to  see  me  have  a  lit,  Laura? 
3 


4  I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT  ALL. 

Laura.    A  mistake — I  pointed  here. 

Deb.  Thanks  (Reads.)  "  The  house  of  Mr.  Pipps  was  broken 
into  on  Tuesday  last." 

Poo.  Goodness  ,  gracious,  great  gooseberry!  1  know  Pipps 
well.  Go  on. 

Deb.  (Reads.)  "  By  a  most  determined  ruffian  about  five  feet 
high,  with  red  hair,  and  a  sfcort  nose ;  who,  after  completely 
ransacking  four  rooms,  assaulting  four  female  servants,  and 
pitching  Mr.  Pipps  from  his  bed-room  window  on  the  fourth 
floor,  escaped.  We  are  glad  to  say  Mr.  Pipps  only  received  four 
slight  injuries,  as  he  fell  on  all  fours  on  a  forcing  bed.  House- 
holders are  cautioned." 

Poo.  Goodness,  gracious,  great  gooseberry !  (Ring  heard.)  We 
must  set  a  few  spring  guns,  rny  dear. 

Deb.  There's  no  cause  for  fear.  I  will  issue  some  instructions 
to  my  men  to  look  afier  him,  and  from  other  precautions  I  have 
taken  I  have  no  doubt  we  shall  secure  the  ruffian  in  the  course  of 
a  day  or  two.  Enter  Mary,  L,  2  E,  with  portmanteau,  sword  and 
bundle — the  portmanteau  she  places  R.  0,  saying,  "  Major  Hogari's 
luggage,  sir"  then  thrusting  the  bundle  in  Footle's  face,  says,"  A 
tetter  for  you,  sir." 

Poo.    Goodness,  gra ,  what's  that  ? 

Mary.  Beg  your  pardon,  sir;  but  I've  had  such  a  turn — these 
are  the  gardener's  Sunday  things;  he's  a-going  to  a  christening, 
sir,  and  the  boy  brought  them  and  the  letter  together. 

Poo.     Hold  your  tongue,  and  give  me  the  letter. 

Mary.  Yes,  sir.  (Puts  down  bundle  on  table  confusedly,  and 
searches  far  letter.)  It's  marked  imme'jate,  sir. 

Poo.    Then  why  on  earth  don't  you  give  it  me,  jade  ? 

Mary.  Yes,  sir.  (Fumbling.)  Here  it  is.  (Hands  letter. 
While  Pootles  reads,  Mary  goes  to  Laura  mysteriously. )4  Seen  the 
papers,  miss? 

Laura.    Now,  here's  another  paper  mania! 

Mary.    Red  hair  and  short  nose !     (Exit  mysteriously,  L.) 

Poo.  What's  this?  Gracious,  goodness !  here  Debit,  read  this, 
will  you? 

Deb.  (Reads.)  "Dear  Pootles,  I  have  but  time  to  caution  you. 
Major  O'Hogan  has  left  London  for  your  part  of  the  country.  If 
possible,  be  out  when  he  arrives,  as  he  will  stop  with  you  six 
months.  If  you  don't  know  him,  distinguishing  marks  are  red 
hair  and  short  nose.  Yours,  J.  TKOTT." 

Laura.  Well,  what  do  you  propose.  (Aside.)  I  propose  to 
let  him  come. 

Poo.  Propose?  Why,  this?  (Rings  bell.  Enter  Mary,  L.) 
If  any  one  comes  here  with  red  hair  and  a  short  nose,  say  we've 
gone  to  the  Pyramids  for  a  twelvemonth. 

Mary.     Oh,  la!     (Drops  into  a  chair.) 

Poo.  (Pats  letter  in  his  pocket.)  Laura,  assist  me  out  of  the 
room,  and  get  the  lotion.  Gracious  goodness,  great  gooseberry  1 
This  will  throw  me  back  a  month  at  least 


I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT  ALL.  5 

Deb.  Allow  me,  my  dear  sir.  (Exit  Poottes,  assisted  by  Debit, 
R  1  E — an  Pootles  exits,  he  putts  out  his  handkerchief,  and  drops 
the  letter.) 

Laura.  (Following?)  I  wonder  if  it's  the  Major  O'Hogan  we  met 
in  town  last  year;  if  so,  Captain  Debit,  I'll  lead  you  a  dance. 
(Emt  Laura,  L.) 

Ma/ry.  (Recovering,  makes  a,  rush  at  the  paper.)  Red  hair,  short 
nose — if  that  man  puts  his  head  in  at  the  door,  I  shall  drop  at 
his  feet.  Assaulted  four  female  women  servants,  too.  I  believe 
them  papers  is  wrote  o'  purpose  to  scare  country-folk.  I'll  keep 
every  door  and  window  barred  for  the  next  six  months,  that  I 
will.  (Exit  L.  Enter  Phelim  O'Rourke,  at  back  from  R,  whis- 
tling, with  a  stick  and  bundle,  looks  round — business.) 

Phelim.  It's  mighty  .refrishin'  to  inter  a  house  like  this,  and 
find  ould  English  hospitality  aquil  to  the  frog-heartedness  of 
ancient  Ireland.  The  ginerosity  of  this  garret  on  the  ground 
flure  of  the  universal  globe  aftects  the  very  wather  in  me  eyes. 
Faix,  it  puts  a  man  in  a  plisant  humor  wid  an  impty  stomach  to 
see  the  doors  and  chairs  open  for  the  stranger  in  distriss.  An  it's 
distrissed  I  am,  in  rale  downright  earnist,  to  be  going  without 
the  taste  of  dinner — barrin'  the  breakfast  I  had — for  four  days. 
Anyhow,  it's  a  plisant-looking  place,  barrin'  the  complete  absence 
o'  ateables.  (Sees  letter,  R.)  What's  this?  the  Giueral  Post  Office, 
broke  open  and  put  on  the  carpet,  (reads.)  "Major  O'Hogau,  etc., 
stop  with  ye  six  months."  Six  months,  that's  ilegant!  I'll  git  a 
year  out  of  that.  Phelim,  ye  clivil!  from  this  blessed  moment 
"  Ye're  not  yersilf  at  all."  Ye  are  Major  O'Hogan,  sir.  What's 
that?  (Sees  bundle  on  table.)  A  dacent  suit  o'  clothes,  as  sure  as 
my  name  is  Phelim  O' — I  mean  Major  O'Hogan.  I'll  put 'em 
on.  Sure  they  wouldn't  take  me  for  a  milingtary  man  anyways 
in  these  things.  Bedad,  this  is  betther  than  all  the  rnanna  that 
ever  fell  in  the  wilds  of  Tipperary.  (O-oes  behind  screen  and 
changes,  singing  the  while.) 

Oh,  I'm  not  mesilf  at  all,  Molly  dear,  Molly  dear, 

Till  you  my  own  I  call ; 
Nothing  caring,  nothing  knowing, 

It's  after  you  I'm  going, 
Faith,  me  shadow  'tis  I'm  growing,  Molly  dear,  Molly  dear, 

Oh,  I'm  not  mesilf  at  all. 

Divil  a  button  is  there  on  'm  at  all,  (Gomes  from  behind  screen 
with  the  gardener's  trousers  on,  and  no  coat,  showing  his  icaist- 
coat  all  torn  up  the  back.)  What'll  I  do  now?  the  blaganl's  coat 
won't  go  on  the  top  of  me,  and  divil  a  button  is  there  on  the 
waistcoat!  I'm  thinking  I'll  be  mistaken  for  mesilf  in  this  state. 
(Sees  the  Majors  trunk).  What's  this?  (Gives  it  a  kick.)  It's 
Barney  O'Cullen's  fiddle-case,  that's  what  it  is.  (Gives  it  another 
kick;  lid  comes  open.)  Och,  what  have  I  done  now?  Murther,  it's 
the  old  O'Hogan  rigimintles.  (Pulling  out  coat.)  What's  that? 


6  I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT  ALL. 

Anyway,  I'll  git  inside  of  it — it's  a  purty  sort  of  a  thing.  Bedad, 
the  gardner's  trousers  will  think  they've  been  and  enlisted.  (Pulls 
out  kilt.)  O'Hogan's  mixed  his  wife's  rigimintles  wid  his'own — 
the  ontidy  blaguard !  (Puts  it  back,  and  pulls  out  sporran^)  Be 
the  powers !  here's  a  purty  cheskpreserver.  Anyhow,  thatTJ  go 
somewhere.  (Ties  it  round  waist — pulls  out  scarf.)  I  wonder  if 
this  is  O'Hogan's  pocket-handkerchief?  He  must  have  a  daceut 
nose  in  the  middle  of  his  face!  (Ties  it  on  over  shoulder.)  Och, 
here's  an  iligant  hat!  (Putts  out  Scotch  bonnet.)  Be  my  sowl, 
the  thing's  complate!  If  O'Hogan  ever  puts  these  things  on 
again,  he'll  feel  like  a  gentleman  for  the  rest  of  his  life.  Some- 
body's coming — what'll  I  do  wid  the  rigimintle  case?  (Puts  it 
under  table,  ft.)  I'll  want  a  sword — never  moind,  I'll  trust  to  my 
own  beautiful  twig.  (Goes  up  back  to  look  for  stick—finds  the 
sword.  Phelim,  ye  divil,  if  ye  weren't  such  a  pious  boy,  I'd  be 
after  saying  the  divil's  yer  first  cousin,  and  is  looking  after  yer 
comforts  this  blessed  day.  (Takes  sword.)  There's  a  dilicate 
skewer  to  tickle  an  alderman's  ribs  with.  (While  he  is  fixing  on 
the  sword  up  the  stage,  Enter  Mary,  L,  looking  about  her.) 

Mary.  Where  on  earth  have  I  laid  that  bundle?  I'm  in  that 
state  of  flustration,  that  I've  put  the  blacking  brushes  into  the 
saucepan  instead  of  the  batter  pudding,  and  left  the  pudding  on 
my  bed.  (Sees  Phelim.  Screams,  aud  falls  into  his  arms,  JR.  U) 

Phe.  Who  the  devil  threw  the  girl  at  me  in  that  way  ?  Get  up 
wid  ye !  (Shakes  her.)  Will  ye  get  up  ?  If  ye  want  to  die,  go 
and  do  it  in  yere  own  room — uon  t  do  it  here.  Will  ye  get  up  ? 
The  women  are  all  the  same;  they're  like  stame  engines — the 
moment  they  smell  danger  they  ather  scream  till  they're  out  of 
it,  or  else  they  burst  up  at  once.  Will  ye  get  up  now  ?  Some 
one's  coming.  (Shakes  her  and  puts  her  on  her  feet.) 

Mary.  (Falls  on  her  knees.)  Spare  me — spare  me,  sir !  (Busi- 
ness.) 

Phe.  I  wouldn't  hurt  a  hair  of  your  delicifte  head !  (Recog- 
nizing.) What,  Mary,  me  darlint!  don't  ye  know  me!  Yer  own 
Pheli'm  ? 

Mary.  Don't  I  know  me  Sunday  out  ?  (They  embrace  on 
knees.)  But  what  on  earth  are  ye  dressed  up  like  that  for,  Phelim  ? 

Phe.  Hist,  darlint !  not  a  whisper !  I'm  going  to  stop  wid  yer 
a  bit.  Me  name's  Major  O'Hogan.  Faix,  Mary,  darlint,  the 
Major's  left  his  appetite  in  the  pocket  of  his  coat,  an  it's  got  in- 


he  won't  be  here  yet  awhile,     (Exit  Mary,  L.    Enter  Pootles,  ft.) 
Pootles.     Plic\v,  I  Hatter  myself  that  if  Major  O'Hogan  comes 

here  he'll  get  a  lively  reception.     (Sees  Phelim.)    Halloo,  who's 

that  ?    (Business  of  dodging  round  the  paper.) 
Phe.    (Aside.)    Sure  it's  the  old  boy !    (Presently  Phelim  starts 

up,  and  nearly  upxets  Pootles.)    Ax  yer  pardon,  sir;  I  didn't  see 


I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT  ALL.  7 

ye — got  the  print  in  my  eyes.  How  d'ye  do,  sir  ?  I'm  delighted 
to  see  you.  (Shakes  hands.) 

Poo.    (Dumbfounded.)     Sir,  I— really,  I 

Phe.    Sir,  yere  face  is  baming  with  health  and  ginerosity. 

Poo.    But,  sir,  this  is  very  sudden. 

Phe.  Suddent  is  it,  but  I'm  none  the  less  plased  to  see  ye, 
sir.  Stand  over  there,  sir.  (Places  Pootles,  fi.)  I'll  stand  here; 
now,  sir,  we're  not  going  to  fight  a  jewil,  I'm  going  to  introduce 
ye  to  a  rale  gentleman.  Misther  Pootles,  sir,  Major  O'Hogan  of 
the  999th. 

Poo.     (Starting.)    O'Hogan! 

Phe.    Major  O'Hogan,  sir,  Mr.  Pootles. 

Poo.    But,  sir,  do  you  know  ? 

Phe.    Sir,  I  do. 

Poo.    But,  are  you  aware  ? 

Phe.  Perfectly,  sir;  perfectly  aware  of  every  thing;  have  a 
taste  o'  the  sherry,  sir,  and  let's  talk  it  over;  you're  welcome. 

Poo.    Sir,  I  consider  this  conduct  is— is 

Phe.  Sir,  you're  in  a  hurry,  I  know  it's  not  the  dacent  thing 
to  forget  to  inquire  after  the  missis. 

Poo.    Mrs.  Pootles,  sir,  is  defunct. 

Phe.  (Aside.)  That's  a  blessin'.  (Aloud.)  Sure  it  was  Miss 
Pootles,  I  inquired  after.  I  never  inquire  after  the  married  ones 
first. 

Poo.  Sir,  when  a  man  in  the  character  of  a  stranger  visits  my 
house,  I  invariably 

Phe.  Give  him  the  best  of  everything;  ye're  a  broth  of  a  boy; 
and  arn't  I  a  stranger?  (Aside.)  Faix,  I'm  a  stranger  to  mesilt. 
(Aloud.)  That  being  so,  Pootles,  just  run  into  the  kitchen  and 
wake  that  servant  girl  up. 

Poo.    How  dare  you — I  say  how  dare  you — 

Phe .  That's  the  way,  wake  her  up  in  that  sort  of  way.  (Pokes 
him  in  ribs.) 

Poo.    Damme,  sir ! 

Phe.  No,  sir,  don't  swear  at  her.  Talk  to  her  in  the  quietest 
way  in  the  world.  See  you  directly,  Pootles.  (Bustles  him  to  the 
door,  L,  and  pushes  him  out — business  with  gouty  arm,  leg,  etc.) 

Poo.    (Coming  back.)    But,  sir,  I  demand 

Phe.  Bedad,  that'll  do,  ye  needn't  rehearse  here.  (Treads  on 
7iis  gouty  foot — Pootles  hops  off.)  Now,  Phelim,  take  another 
glass  of  sherry.  (Sits  at  table.  Enter  Laura,  JR.)  Here's 
another.  (Beads.) 

Laura.  (Not  perceiving  Phelim).  I  really  wish  the  Major 
would  come  down,  I'm  bored  to  death,  Captain  Debit  is  so 
quiet.  (Phelim  rattles  the  paper  violently.)  Who  on  earth  is  that, 
I  had  no  idea  of  any  one  being  in  the  room  ?  How  careless  of 
Mary  not  to  have  told  me ;  1  think  under  the  circumstances  I 
ought  to  scream,  but  I  don't  feel  sufficiently  frightened. 

Phe.  .  (Looking  over  the  paper  and  winking.)  There  ye  are, 
are  ye  ? 


8  I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT  ALL. 

Laura.    Why  he's  winking  at  me. 

Phe.  Don't  be  alarmed,  me  darlint,  I'm  a  beautiful  specimen 
of  propriety. 

Laura.     I  must  confess  I  was  startled,  seeing  a  stranger. 

Phe.  A  stranger,  ye  thought  ye  hadn't  seen  me  before.  Major, 
introduce  yourself,  sir,  to — to — f  beg  your  pardin',  I  didn't  quite 
catch  the  name. 

Laura.     Laura. 

Phe.  A  niie-hty  purty  name  too.  I'm  deloighted  to  introduce 
the  name  to  Major  O'Hogan,  of  the  999th,  a  marvellously  foine 
man  and  a  distinguished  soldier  in  the  affair  that  took  place  be- 
tween Bengal  and  Belfast. 

Ltura.  I've  much  pleasure  in  welcoming  Major  O'Hogau  to 
our  humble  villa. 

Phe.  Ye're  mighty  koind, ma'am.  Ye're  a  splindid  institution; 
and  no  one  knows  it  better  than  mesilf.  (Gets  dose  to  her.)  I've 
seen  yere  nate  looking  father  and  we  embraced  tinderly  (Puts  his 
arm  slyly  round  her  waist)  like  this ! 

Laura.  (Aside)  I  see  the  Captain  coming  this  way.  I'll  en- 
courage  the  Major,  and  perhaps  the  Captain  will  take  the  hint. 
(Aloud.)  Indeed,  Major. 

Phe.  Indeed  it  is  me,  darlint.  (Aside.)  It's  a  nate  waist, 
bedad,  it's  like  putting  your  arm  round  a  dilicate  whisky  bottle. 
Enter  Captain  Debit,  L  G,  back.) 

Laura.    Let  me  go,  Major,  you  squeeze  me. 

Phe.  (AsMe.)  I'd  like  to  taste  the  contents?  Suppose  I  just 
put  me  lips  to  the  mouth  of  the  bottle.  (Kisses  her  suddenly.) 

Laura.  For  shame,  Major,  I  won't  stay  another  moment. 
(Exit  Laura,  hastily,  R.) 

Deb.  (Aside.)  So,  so,  young  lady,  this  is  what  I  have  to  ex- 
pect. 

Phe.  O'Rourke,  me  boy,  ye  were  quite  yersilf  that  time,  and 
it's  a  credit  to  the  name  of  Major  O'Hogan.  I'll  take  another 
taste  o'  the  sherry.  (Sits  and  takes  paper.) 

Deb.  (Coming  down,  R,  in  a  rage.)  So,  sir,  I've  caught  you 
nicely. 

Phe.  (Looking  over  the  paper.)  Top  of  the  mornin'  to  ye,  sir. 
Is  it  the  sherry  ye're  after  ?  It  so,  ring  the  bell,  order  a  bottle. 
I'll  be  happy  to  join  you. 

Deb.  No,  sir,  I'm  not  after  the  sherry.  Who  the  dickens  are 
you,  and  what  are  ye  doing  here  ? 

Phe.  Be  aisy,  sit  ye  down  and  be  paceful  I  be  me  life,  ye  look 
as  tho'  ye'd  escaped  out  o'  some  menagerie. 

Deb.    By  jove,  sir !    (Shouts.) 

Phe.  Thunder  and  lightning — don't  swear  here,  sir !  Be  aisy 
now,  I  shan't  hurt  ye. 

Deb.  (Aside.)  The  man  must  be  mad.  (Aloud.)  Are  you 
aware,  air,  to  whom  you  are  talking  ? 


I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT  ALL.  9 

Phe.  Make  yer  moind  aisy  about  that,  sure,  yer  known  in  iv'ry 
jail  in  the  kingdom. 

Deb.    You  low-bred  ruffian. 

Phe.  (Rising  with  slow  dignity.)  Sur,  the  language  you've 
dressed  yerself  in  cannot  be  passed  over  by  an  officer  and  a  gin- 
tleman. 

Deb.    An  officer!     (Walks  in  front.) 

Phe.  Sure,  isn't  the  face  o'  Major  O'Hogan  known  to  every 
man  in  the  army. 

Deb.  Major  O'Hogan!  (Aside)  This  is  an  impostor.  (Aloud.) 
So, you  are  the  Major,  eh? 

Phe.    I  am  that. 

Deb.    Ah !    then,  of  course  you've  seen  service  ? 

Phe.  (Aside.)  In  livery.  (Aloud.)  Seen  service  is  it  ye 
mane? 

Deb.    I  do. 

Phe.    Av  course  I've  seen  service,  sir. 

Deb.    Then  may  I  ask  to  what  regiment  you  belong? 

Pfie.  I  belong  to  me  own  regiment,  sur.  (Aside.)  The  Bengal 
and  Belfast  war  won't  do  here 

Deb.    Where  was  your  regiment  stationed  last? 

Phe.    The  regiment,  sir,  wa«  stationed  with  me. 

Deb.    Then,  sir,  where  were  you  stationed  ? 

Phe.  Oh,  ye  want  to  know  where  I  was  stationed  ?  Well,  sir, 
I  was  stationed  with  me  regiment. 

Deb.  (Confidently.)  Oh,  indeed,  ah !  Then  where  were  you 
both  stationed  ? 

Phe.     Together,  sir. 

Deb.  (Aside.)  Confound  his  assurance — I'll  try  another  tack. 
(Aloud.)  You  understand  what  I  mean,  when  I  demand  satisfac- 
tion, I  suppose? 

Phe.  Satisfaction!  Certainly,  sir,  when  you  demand  satisfac- 
tion you  mane  that  nothing  less  than  a  thousand  a  year  would 
satisfy  you. 

Deb.    No,  sir,  you  will  have  to  fight  me. 

Phe.  (Aside.)  I  never  fight  with  any  other  swords  but  shil- 
lalehs.  (Aloud.)  Fight,  is  it?  Oh,  ye  want  to  supply  me  with 
a  little  divarsion? 

Deb.    Now,  sir,  will  you  fight  me? 

PJie.  Sir,  ye've  no  right  in  the  world  at  all  to  question  your 
shuperior  officer. 

Deb.    Superior  officer ! 

Phe.    Silence,  sir. 

Deb.  I  will  not  be  silent,  sir.  How  dare  you  attempt  to  kiss 
my  affianced  bride  ? 

Phe.  Is  it  your  bride  I  was  going  to  kiss  ?  Then,  sir,  ye 
ought  to  know  the  family  connections  better  than  ye  do.  I'm 
that  young  lady's  uncle. 

Deb.     Her  uncle  ? 


10  I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT  ALL. 

Phe.    Certainly,  sir ;  an'  ye  behave  yersilf  properly,  I'd  hand 

?3  over  a  dacint  sum  o'  money  when  ye  get  spliced.  ( Aside.)  St. 
atrick  forgive  me. 

Deb.  Well,  upon  my  honor,  this  is  the  most (Enter 

Mary  L.) 

Mary.  Please,  sir,  would  you  step  round  to  the  front  door  ? 
Master  wants  you ;  there's  two  of  your  men 

Deb.  Very  good.  (To  Phelirn.)  I'll  talk  to  you  on  my  return. 
(Exit,  door  in  flat.) 

Phe.  I'd  be  better  plased  sir,  if  ye'd  do  all  the  talkin'  while 
ye're  away,  and  be  silent  when  ye  come  back.  (To  Mary.)  Well, 
darlint,  ye  forgot  the  ateables  entirely. 

Mary.  No,  sir,  I  didn't,  but  master  told  me  not  to  bring  them 
in. 

Phe.  But  didn't  /  tell  ye  to  bring  them  ?  sure  I'd  soon  put 
them  out  of  the  master's  way. 

Mary.  But  the  gardener  wants  his  clothes.  He's  coming  in 
here  to  speak  to  the  master. 

Phe.  (Aside.)  Coming  in  here  without  his  clothes!  that's  not 
dacint,  anyhow.  Tell  the  gardener,  me  darlint,  that  after  I've 
had  me  dinner,  I'll  mate  him  behind  the  pigsty,  and  talk  it  over. 
But  how  about  the  ateables,  eh  ? 

Mary.  (Aside.)  Poor  fellow,  he's  quite  hungry.  (Aloud.) 
Would  you  mind  coming  into  the  kitchen  ? 

Phe.  Will  I  mind  coming  into  Paradise?  Come  along.  Sure 
I'll  just  take  the  table-cloth  to  put  round  me  in  case  of  meetin' 
your  friend,  the  gardener.  (Going.)  After  you,  darlint,  by  da- 
cint breedin'.  Give  us  a  kiss,  be  way  of  dessert,  darlint,  afore  me 
dinner — just  to  make  the  vittles  proud  o'  goin'  the  same  way. 
(Kiss.)  I'll  git  a  taste  of  the  dinner  at  last.  (Exit  Phelim  and 
Mary  L.  Enter  Pootles,  in  a  rage,  followed  by  Laura  L.) 

Poo.  Not  another  word,  the  villain  shall  leave  the  house  in- 
stantly. 

Laura.     He  may  be  simply  an  eccentric  man  after  all  ? 

Poo.  Goodness  gracious!  great  gooseberry!  he  needn't  lie,  if 
he  is  eccentric. 

Laura.    See  him,  and  speak  to  him  quietly. 

Poo.  Quietly  be  hanged !  Didn't  he  hustle  me  out  of  the  room, 
and  give  me  enough  pain  to  last  me  a  twelve-month  ?  And  now 
he  calls  himself  your  uncle !  (Enter  Captain  Debit,  hurriedly, 
back.) 

Debit.  Where  is  he  ?  (Snatches  up  paper — reads.)  About  live 
feet  high,  short  hair,  red  nose — I  mean,  short  nose,  red  hair;  it 
agrees  precisely. 

Laura.    What  ? 

Deb.  The  description  of  that  house-breaker,  O'Flannagan, 
with  this  pseudo  major. 

Poo.  Goodness,  grocious!  great  gooseberry!  I  dare  say  he's 
up  stairs  at  my  cash-box  now. 


I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT  ALL.  11 

Laura.    Or  rny  dressing-case. 

Deb.  (To  Laura.)  Should  I  rid  you  of  this  man,  Laufa,  will 
you  think  of  me  more  favorably  ?  (Laura  offers  liand — Debit 
kisses  it.)  I  will  immediately  issue  orders  to  have  the  house  sur- 
rounded. (Aside.)  I  have  laid  a  nice  trap  for  this  Major. 
(Rings  bell.  'Phelim  rushes  in  from  L,  knocks  against  Captain 
Debit,  and  bolts  behind  screen  arid  looks  at  them  over  the  top.) 

Phe.  There  ye  all  are,  then?  Sure  ye're  ringing  for  Mary. 
Well,  as  I've  completely  done  with  Mary  and  the  ateables,  she's 
at  yoar  service.  I  mit  the  gardner.  an'  I  trated  him  to  the  kind- 
est and  gentlest  tap  on  the  head  with  me  stick  possible.  Mary's 
a  touchin'  specimen  of  the  prodigal  son ;  sure  she  was  just  goin' 
to  waste  the  most  ilegant  dhrop  of  spirits  in  the  warld  on  a  pud- 
ding, when,  says  L,  "Me  jewel,  don't  put  it  in  the  puddin',  put  it 
into  me,  it'll  inflame  the  puddin,'  and  do  it  no  good  at  all,  at  all! 

Deb.     (Rushing  at  him  with  paper,  L.  C.)     Do  you  see  that? 

Poo.  Stop  a  minute.  What  are  you  doing  with  my  table 
cover  ? 

Phe.  Yere  table  cover,  is  it,  sir  ?  Well,  I've  got  the  greatest 
pain  in  the  world  in  the  small  of  my  back. 

Poo.    (B.C.)    Pooh,  pooh,  sir! 

Phe.  Pooh,  pooh,  is  it?  Ye've  got  the  drafts  laid  on  all  over 
the  house  like  the  water,  sir !  Oh ! 

Deb.     (L.C.)    Shallow  artifice.     Do  you  see  that  ? 

Phe.    How  can  I  see  anything? 

Deb.    lied  hair  and  short  nose,  sir. 

Phe.     How  dare  ye  insult  your  shuperior  officer ! 

Deb.  Bosh !  1  arrest  you,  Patrick  O'Flannagan,  for  house- 
breaking  with  violence. 

Phe.  (Surprised.)  Patrick  O'Flannagan.  (Aside.)  I'll  be 
getting  mixed  up  here- -stop  a  minute.  (Counting  on  his  fingers.) 
Phelim  O'Rourke,  Major  O'Hogan,  Patrick  O'Flannagan.  Phe- 
limO'Rourke's  nothimsilf  at  all.  Patrick  O'Flannagan  isathafe! 
Sure,  I'll  stick  to  the  Major;  he's  the  most  respectable  blaguard 
of  the  lot, 

Poo.  Now,  sir,  how  dare  you  come  here  representing  yourself 
as  Major  O'Hogan,  and  how  dare  you  say  that  you  are  that 
young'lady's  uncle? 

Phe.  Sure  ye  wouldn't  have  me  go  to  tell  a  lie !  Anyhow,  I  am 
the  young  lady's  uncle.  Are  ye  a  man.  (To  Pootles.) 

Poo.    I  believe  I  am. 

Phe.    And  am  I  not  a  man  ? 

Poo.    I  don't  know — I  suppose  you  are. 

Phe.  And  aren't  all  men  brothers?  Very  well,  then,  of  course 
I'm  the  young  lady's  uncle. 

Laura.  That's  one  way  out  of  it.  (Enter  Mary  with  a 
letter  L) 

Mary.  A  letter  for  you,  sir.  (Gives  Debit  letter.)  And  please, 
sir  (To  Pootles)  Major  O'Hogan's  arrived. 


UCSB   LIBRARY. 


12  I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT  ALL. 

Phe.  (Aside.)  Philliloo,  here's  the  devil's  own  game.  What 
will  I  do  now  ? 

Deb.  So,  sir,  you're  not  O'Flannagan  —  he's  caught!  I  see  the 
Major  has  come  —  (Aside)  forgive  the  girl  for  lying.  (Aloud.) 
Come,  sir,  the  game's  up. 

Phe.  (Grossing.)  The  game's  up  is  it?  Well,  anyhow  I've 
won. 

All.    Won  ! 

Phe.  Phelim  O'Rourke,  sir,  was  so  entirely  disgusted  wid  his 
bad  luck,  he  laid  himself  a  wager  that  if  he  wasn't  himself  at  all 
he'd  get  a  dinner  and  a  situation,  for  that's  what  he's  wanting? 
I've  got  the  dinner? 

Deb.  (Aside.)  Ton  my  life  I  like  the  fellow.  (Aloud.)  And 
now  you  want  the  situation.  Where  shall  you  get  that  ? 

Phe.  (Putting  his  arm  around  Mary.)  This  is  the  situation  to 
suit  me. 

Laura.  From  what  I  understand,  the  gardener  would  not  give 
you  a  very  good  character. 

Phe.  Tell  the  gardener  I've  got  all  the  character  I  want  out  of 
his  clothes.  (Aside  to  Mary.)  And  Mary,  darlint,  has  the  Major 
really  come  ? 

Mary.    No,  only  the  Captain  told  me  to  say  so. 

Phe.  Then  it  is  all  right,  darlint,  and  I've  now  only  to  ask 
your  forgiveness  (To  audience)  for  the  little  story  I've  told  you  in 
saying,  "I'M  NOT  MESILF  AT  ALL." 

DEBIT.        LAURA.       PHELIM.        MARY.       POOTLKS. 

B.  L. 

CURTAIN. 


THE   ETHIOPIAN    DRAMA. 

Price,  IJ  cts.  each,  pot*t-paid. 

Those  plays  are  all  short,  anil  very  funny.  Nothing-  poor  in  the  list.  They 
Bcrveadmirubly  to  give  variety  to  a  ptpjjramtne.  The-,  female  characters  may  be 
assumed  by  mules  in  most  cases.  Where  something'  thoroughly  comical,  but 
unobjectionable  is  wanted,  they  are  just  the  thing. 

STAGE  STRUCK  DARKY. 

A  very  funny  "  take-off"  on  tragedy;  3  male,  i  female.     Time  10  minutes. 
STOCKS  UP—STOCKS  DOWN. 

2  males;  a  played' out  author  and  his  sympathising1  friend;  very  funny  and  full 
of  "  business  "  and  practical  jokes.  Time  10  minutes. 

DEAF— IN  A  HORN. 

2  males;  negro  musician  and  a  deaf  pupil.     A  very  interesting  question  sudden- ' 
ly  enables  the  latter  to  hear.     Full  of  first-class  "  business."    Time  S  minutes. 

HANDY  ANDY. 

2  males;  master  and  servant.     The  old  man  is   petulant   and  the  servant  irnke^ 
all  sorts  of  ludicrous  mistakes  and   misunderstands   every   order.      Very  lively   in 
liction.     Time  10  minutes. 

THE  MISCHIEVOUS  NIGGER. 

A  farce;  4  males,  3  females.  Characters:  The  mischievous  nigger,  old  man, 
French  burlier,  Irishman,  widow,  nurse.  Time  20  mimiies. 

THE  SHAM  DOCTOR. 

A  negro  farce;  4  males,  i  females.  This  is  a  tip-top  farce.  The  "sham  doctor" 
run  nut  fail  to  bring  down  the  house.  Time  15  minutes. 

NO  CURE,  NO  PAY. 

3  males,  I  female.     Doctor  Ipecac  has  a  theory  that  excessrve   terror  will   cure 
people  who  are  deaf  and  dumb.     His  daughter's  lover   is   mistaken    lor   the  patient 
to  the  terror  of  all.     Only  one  darky.        A   capital   little  piece  for  schools  or  parlor. 

Time  10  minutes. 

TRICKS. 

5  males,  2  females.  (Only  two  darkys,  i  male,  i  female.)  A  designing  old 
step -father  wishes  to  marry  his  step- daughter  for  her  nioney.  She  and  her  lover 
plan  an  elopement.  The  old  man  discovers  it  and  ims  an  ingenious  counter-plot — 
which  fails  completely,  to  his  discomfiture.  Time  K>  minutes.  Suited  to  parlor 
performance. 

HAUNTED  HOUSE. 

2  males.  A  white- washer  encounters  •' spirits"  in  a  house  he  has  agreed  to 
white-wash.  Plenty  of  business.  Time  3  minutes. 

THE  TWO  I'O.Ul'EYS. 

4  males.       A    challenge    to    a    duel    is    worked  up  in  a  very  funny  way,     Tirr.:- 
8  minutes. 

AN  UNUAl'l'Y  1'AIH. 

t 

(  males,  and  males  for  a  band.  Two  hunsrry  niggers  strike  the  musician- 
tor  a  square  meal.  Good  for  school  or  parlor,  and  very  funny.  Time  'G  minutes. 


Any  Play  on  this  List  15  Cts.  Postpaid.  Catalogues  Free. 

Plays  by  T.  S.  DENISON. 

ODDS  WITH  THE  ENEMY. 

nit,  -•  hours. 


HARD  CIDER. 


SETH  GREENBACK. 

'3  m- 
INITIATING  A  GRANGER. 

TWO  GHOSTS  IN  WHITE. 

A  Ilium  runs  farce  liase.l   on  hoarilin-;-- 

Tlllle, 

THE  ASSESSOR. 

BORROWING  TROUBLE. 
A    In.  inle  un.1  ;;    i\- 

COUNTRY  JUSTICE. 

ouniry  lu\v  suil  ;  S 
mule  characters.    (Muyjulmit  i|.)  Time, 

THE  PULL-BACK. 

female.     Tim.-, 

HANS  VON   SMASH. 

A  roarini;  ("tree  in  a  ]>n  .'. 

OUR  COUNTRY. 

•  irama  in  three  pans.     Ke- 
male,  .;  k-mcile,    (Ailniii 

liour. 
THE  SCHOOL  MA'AM. 

A  hi" 

.     Tinn:,  i  holt'.-  |;  11. in. 

THE  IRISH  LINEN  PEDDLER. 

THE  KANSAS  IMMIGRANTS:    Or.  the 
Great  Exodus. 

0  til. 

TOO  MUCH  OF  A  GOOD  THING. 

IS  THE  EDITOR  IN? 
AN  ONLY  DAUGHTER. 

ai-l>;   ^   ma; 

PETS  OF  SOCIETY. 


LOUVA.  THE  PAUPER. 
UNDER  THE  LAURELS. 

A  drama  i' 

U-iiKile.      Tiim-,   i   : 

THE  SPARKLING  CUP. 

A  tc- 

»1   |  remain. 


Plays  by  H.  Elliott  McBride. 

ON  THE   BRINK. 

;  tein;ile.     Time,  I   : 

A   BAD  JOB. 

PLAYED  AND  LOST. 

.V   sketch;  3 

MY  JEREMIAH. 

LUCY'S  OLD  MAN. 

, 

THE  COW  THAT  KICKED  CHICAGO. 

I'LL  STAY  AWHILE. 

THE  FRIDAY  AFTERN30N  DIALOGUES. 

-Price  - 

FRIDAY  AFTERNOON  SPEAKER- 

SCRAP  BOOK  READINGS. 

WORK  AND  PLAY. 

i;v   MARY  J. 


T.  S.  DENISON,  Publisher,  CHICAGO. 


